I want to go back

PSA this is going to be a whiney post. Not because everything in my life is going dastardly wrong but because I’m feeling whiney right now and that’s okay.

I want to go back

I really do

Before I had any problems

or any stress

When my biggest worry was what I was going to wear for my 13th birthday party

When I had no income. When I had no bills.

When the only job I had was my math home work and dance class 7 days a week

When any money I had could be used for whatever I wanted

Or not

When it didn’t matter

When I didn’t have to worry about making friends because anyone could be a friend and we would just play and play and play

Play

Before I forgot how to play

Before I had to practice self love because I hadn’t yet lost it

Before I decided I had to be someone

Before I was in a rush.

When my mom made me breakfast every morning and I didn’t know how wonderful it is to have someone make you breakfast every morning

When we would jam in the car

or talk

Whatever we needed

When I had multiple hand fulls of people I could call at any moment who would drop everything for me

When I could lose it and someone else would pick up the pieces

When I didn’t have to have it together

Before we were so busy

Before we all grew up

I wish we didn’t grow up.

Growing Up Pt. 2

It has officially been a year since I moved to Vancouver and "left the nest" so to speak.  

Wow, what a year it's been.  I had no idea what I was in store for when I moved out here.  All I knew was I was following my dreams and I was going to be living with my cousins. 

Thank god for my cousins.

I don't know what I would have done without the support system that I have out here.  I've always been a fairly independent person but at the end of the day I was able to go home where the rent was free, and there was somehow, magically, always food in the fridge (thanks mom).

Because I've always been rather independent I figured that not much would change when I moved out to live on my own. (lol good one Talia)

That was obviously not the case 

So 

Here are some things, in no specific order, that I've learned in my first year of "adulthood" (if anyone knows what that means please enlighten me because I have no clue)

Please feel free to take notes 

  1. People (other "adults") may seem like they have their shit together - they don't.  Everyone is quite literally just trying to figure it out.  Whether you're 19, 28, or 42 this world is just as confusing.  Potentially for different reasons, but confusing none the less.
  2. Grocery shopping is a never ending annoying task.  How the fuck am I supposed to know what I'm going to want to eat 5 days from now ??  Also, Talia, you're shopping for 2 people, not 5.  You probably don't need 2 Costco sized bags of broccoli.  Just saying.

  3. There is always some sort of crisis.  Whether you have a week to find a new place to live (been there). Your cat jumps out the 5th story window of your apartment where there are no pets allowed and is found by your landlord (been there). You wake up and walk into your living room to find two pigeons sitting, staring, and mocking you (this has happened enough times that it doesn't even phase me anymore).  There is literally always something. Bank shit, tax shit, bills shit, shit that isn't even your shit but is the shit of someone that you care about so it becomes your shit by extension.  THERE IS ALWAYS SOME SORT OF SHIT.  And just when you think you're free of shit, you discover that your boyfriend has eaten the last of the ice cream that you were thinking about all day, that you SO deserved, and it sends you over the edge into hysteria (sorry Jon).

  4. You are allowed to stand up for yourself, have your own opinions, and disagree with people.  EVEN if they're older than you. *gasp*  As kids, we often feel that people who are older than us are right.  Mom and dad are right, our teachers are right, even kids who are older than us appear to know better than we do.  And we take what these people say as fact.  It has taken me a while to figure out that I can have my own thoughts and don't have to agree with someone just because they appear to be more experienced in life than me.  My views and experiences are valid.  I have important things to say.

  5. Living somewhere where you aren't the age of majority is the most frustrating thing ever.

  6. Sometimes the great deal you find on craigslist isn't a great deal it's really just someone's crap.

  7. Sometimes the great deal you find on craigslist IS a great deal and you feel like a god ($25 espresso machine say whaaaatttt)

  8. Focusing on yourself and your personal well-being is the best thing you can do for yourself and everyone around you.  You can't contribute to someone else's cup if your cup is empty.

Obviously, these are just some of the highlights of my first year in Vancouver away from home. As you can see it's been quite the adventure.  Lot's of laughs, lot's of tears, a fair amount of panic, and a whole lot of fun. 

To anyone considering moving away from home, do it.  It'll be the craziest, most eyeopening year of your life. 

Oh - and remember to call your mom. 

 

Growing Up

It's been a long time since I've written on here or produced new content.  

When I started this blog I had the intention of writing all the time.  I'm starting to realize two things.  One, there isn't always something to write about, and two, I'm not the kind of person to try to force new content. 

So

I figure I'll write whenever I feel I have something to write about. Quality over quantity right?

I am currently sitting at YYC airport on my way back to Vancouver from spending five days at home (Calgary).  Since moving to Vancouver in September I've been home three times. None of them were quite as hard as this trip. 

This trip was a big one.  Even though I was only going home for 5 days I knew it would be weird.  This trip was about going back for Stampede to support my siblings and friends in this year's grandstand show, and to see my friends who I  graduated from the program with last year. Some of these friends I hadn't seen for almost a year. 

A year.

Damn.

I went from seeing these people, my people, every damn day for 4 - 8 hours to seeing them once or twice a year.  It has really made me realize how fast time goes.  It simultaneously felt like I hadn't seen them in decades, and like I saw them yesterday.  That's terrifying.  What if next time I actually don't see them for decades? Shit.

Now let me make something clear, when I say that these people are my people, I mean that these people are so much more than a friend group.  They are my family.  Lifelong friends that no matter how long we go between seeing each other, we pick up right where we left off and everything is a natural and welcoming as when we were 16.  The people that I met at the Young Canadians helped me figure out who I am and who I want to be as a person, develop my self-confidence, and reinforce every idea in my head that I am capable.  

That isn't some small shit. 

So here I am, sucked back a year in time.  Seeing everything exactly as it was a year ago.

Almost.

Nothing had really changed.  The Young Canadians, Stampede, and Grandstand Show were exactly as we left them.  We were just slightly less relevant.  Slightly less relevant to the program although still welcomed with open arms, and as we realized, slightly less relevant to each other.  And man did I ever feel it. Even though we are still ride or die's to the most extreme extent, we were a little bit less connected with what's going on in each other's lives.  I guess that's what happens when you all move to different corners of the world.  Snapchat isn't nearly as effective as we think it is.

So there we are, finally all together again, sitting in a basement at 2am knowing we should go home but not wanting to move because we're all thinking the same thing.  What's next?  When will we see each other again?  Christmas we hope, but after spending this time apart and creating these different lives from each other we all saw how easy it could be for it to be much longer than that.  Terrifying.  I never want to have the "oh wow how long has it been? 5 years?  Crazy how time flies" conversation with any of these people.  Fuck that.

Growing up is hard guys.  It's fucking lonely.  Everyone that you loved so much and were so close to are a little bit further away.  Not far enough to forget about each other, but just far enough to feel the disconnect.  Remembering what it felt like to have a place where you belonged and grew and had infinite amounts of support around you, and now in contrast feeling like you're on your own to "figure it out", Is so hard.  Harder than I imagined.  Figuring it out is not easy.  I'm seriously convinced that no one really has it figured out and we're all just flying around by the seat of our pants. 

I feel so lucky that I found my tribe so early on in my life.  These guys will always have my back and would drop everything to help me if I needed them.  I know I will never lose them. Ever.  The hard part is realizing that I also may never have them in my life in the same way that I once did.

Let's redefine how we define ourselves

Why do we define ourselves by what we've done and what we're doing when we have absolutely no way of knowing what we're going to be?

As humans we always seem to be defining ourselves by what we do instead of who we are. Ive been thinking about this a lot. 

I think it's because it's easy to know what we do. Its easy to look at our day to day and say "oh I did this today. I went here. I saw that."  You can't see who you are. You can't quantify what's inside of you. Its not visible or touchable, or even really understandable. But it is tangible. If you really pay attention, it's there. 

Ive always defined myself as a performer. Specifically a dancer. But I've started to ask why. There are so many words I could use to define myself. I'm a singer, dancer, pianist, teacher, performer, artist, daughter, sister, girlfriend. And those are just the adjectives off of the top of my head in this moment. I'm also a coffee enthusiast, bath lover, fluent speaker of sarcasm, and a dad in denial (I think my jokes are funny. Other people? Not so much) 

My point is.

The way we describe ourselves is fickle. Always changing. The words we use to describe ourselves change depending on our mood, our environment, and the circumstances we're in.

But

who we are never changes. It never changes. It isn't fickle.  It's the only thing that you can count on 100% of the time.  Use yourself to define who you are. Because who you are is capable of so much more than you can describe.

I'm done with limiting myself based off of what I can see. 

So here's to being yourself, and letting that fuel your every move <3

Why do we define ourselves by what we’ve done and what we’re doing when we have absolutely no way of knowing what we’re going to be?
— Talia Udsen

HELLO

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Hello world!!

I'm so excited to start this blog!

Hey everyone I'm Talia and welcome to the blog portion of my website!  I often find myself thinking about topics that I want to talk about or express my opinion on. This is a place for me to do that as well as a place to give updates about my life.  Not sure how consistent I'll be or what this will end up looking like but I'm excited to find out and to have you here with me!