Growing Up

It's been a long time since I've written on here or produced new content.  

When I started this blog I had the intention of writing all the time.  I'm starting to realize two things.  One, there isn't always something to write about, and two, I'm not the kind of person to try to force new content. 

So

I figure I'll write whenever I feel I have something to write about. Quality over quantity right?

I am currently sitting at YYC airport on my way back to Vancouver from spending five days at home (Calgary).  Since moving to Vancouver in September I've been home three times. None of them were quite as hard as this trip. 

This trip was a big one.  Even though I was only going home for 5 days I knew it would be weird.  This trip was about going back for Stampede to support my siblings and friends in this year's grandstand show, and to see my friends who I  graduated from the program with last year. Some of these friends I hadn't seen for almost a year. 

A year.

Damn.

I went from seeing these people, my people, every damn day for 4 - 8 hours to seeing them once or twice a year.  It has really made me realize how fast time goes.  It simultaneously felt like I hadn't seen them in decades, and like I saw them yesterday.  That's terrifying.  What if next time I actually don't see them for decades? Shit.

Now let me make something clear, when I say that these people are my people, I mean that these people are so much more than a friend group.  They are my family.  Lifelong friends that no matter how long we go between seeing each other, we pick up right where we left off and everything is a natural and welcoming as when we were 16.  The people that I met at the Young Canadians helped me figure out who I am and who I want to be as a person, develop my self-confidence, and reinforce every idea in my head that I am capable.  

That isn't some small shit. 

So here I am, sucked back a year in time.  Seeing everything exactly as it was a year ago.

Almost.

Nothing had really changed.  The Young Canadians, Stampede, and Grandstand Show were exactly as we left them.  We were just slightly less relevant.  Slightly less relevant to the program although still welcomed with open arms, and as we realized, slightly less relevant to each other.  And man did I ever feel it. Even though we are still ride or die's to the most extreme extent, we were a little bit less connected with what's going on in each other's lives.  I guess that's what happens when you all move to different corners of the world.  Snapchat isn't nearly as effective as we think it is.

So there we are, finally all together again, sitting in a basement at 2am knowing we should go home but not wanting to move because we're all thinking the same thing.  What's next?  When will we see each other again?  Christmas we hope, but after spending this time apart and creating these different lives from each other we all saw how easy it could be for it to be much longer than that.  Terrifying.  I never want to have the "oh wow how long has it been? 5 years?  Crazy how time flies" conversation with any of these people.  Fuck that.

Growing up is hard guys.  It's fucking lonely.  Everyone that you loved so much and were so close to are a little bit further away.  Not far enough to forget about each other, but just far enough to feel the disconnect.  Remembering what it felt like to have a place where you belonged and grew and had infinite amounts of support around you, and now in contrast feeling like you're on your own to "figure it out", Is so hard.  Harder than I imagined.  Figuring it out is not easy.  I'm seriously convinced that no one really has it figured out and we're all just flying around by the seat of our pants. 

I feel so lucky that I found my tribe so early on in my life.  These guys will always have my back and would drop everything to help me if I needed them.  I know I will never lose them. Ever.  The hard part is realizing that I also may never have them in my life in the same way that I once did.